He's Your Cocaine
by Lumia Toepfer
Summary: What happens, when Draco Malfoy realises his biggest enemy is the razor that is slowly shaving his leg..?


Author: Lumia Toepfer  
Email: lumia_toepfer@yahoo.co.uk  
Group: He's Your Cocaine  
Pairing: Draco/Harry  
Category: Humour  
Rating: R  
Archives: Fiction Alley, Fanfiction.net  
Beta Reader: Marley  
  
Disclaimer: All the babes belong to goddess Joanne K. Rowling, various lines are taken from 'She's Your Cocaine' by Tori Amos, who should be adored by all the world!  
  
Plot: What happens, when Draco Malfoy realises his biggest enemy is the razor that is slowly shaving his leg..?  
  
Dedicated to all Tori freaks out there and to my lovely Marty, Marcy and Sophie. Does that song remind us of anyone..?  
  
**He's Your Cocaine**  
  
  
That song, that damn song! He couldn't get rid of it. It seemed to haunt him, to taunt him. 'This song is mocking me!' Draco said to himself as he sat back in the bathtub.  
He caught sight of the enemy again, how it was lying there on the wet surface of the bathtub brim. The enemy seemed to sing along and to wait for the perfect moment to take action. Draco observed the enemy closely. Suddenly his cramped hand grabbed the enemy, he started to shiver and sweat pored from his pores.  
He turned his head away in disgust as he heard himself say: 'No. I don't want to! No!' Draco's face was horror struck as he took the razor and slowly ran it down his right leg. 'Why. Why?' he cried.  
Shaving that leg was an odd kind of satisfaction. Now the other one, and then the right one again. He laid his head on his knee to inspect his leg closely. From this angle every single hair could be seen, and he wanted to make sure that every soldier on the field would fall.  
Draco leaned back. He had done it. He slowly placed the enemy back onto the brim.  
'Strange. Now that I look at you more closely you don't seem to be the enemy anymore.'  
'Who the hell are you talking to?'  
'Pansy! Hi… er… I… was just… nothing. I was thinking aloud, is that forbidden?' He quickly dived his legs under water and crossed them, so she wouldn't see what he had just done.  
Pansy smiled slightly. 'No, of course it's not. Sorry.' She watched him closely. 'Draco, you needn't hide anything. There's nothing I haven't seen so far.' With these words her bathrobe slid down her legs to the ground and she climbed into the bathtub on top of Draco.  
'Fancy a good shag?'  
'Er… yes.'  
  
~*~ 

No, not that song again. Draco couldn't think of anything to distract him. 'I'm going nuts, that's it - I'm slowly going mad. I'm humming muggle songs.' Draco looked around the Slytherin common room. No one was there to entertain him, not even some first years.   
Where were Crabbe and Goyle when you needed them? Even hanging around with Potter would have been more fun. Oh my, was that a - thought? No, no, it couldn't be! Think of Pansy's boobs, think… think fruity!  
Yes, that was a turn-on-thought: Shagging Pansy in the bathroom. Running his hands down her delicious butt, then back to her beautiful breasts again. He could feel her thighs on his hips. Yes, he sighed and fell into the couch again.  
'Bring your sister… bring your sister if you can't han-Argh!'  
No! He was singing it again! Not even a hot thought could kill that bloody song!  
Suddenly he knew: Only good sex could kill his paranoia, only a well formed female body was able to delete this song, and all that was bound to it, out of his mind.  
  
~*~ 

'Pansy, can I ask you something?'  
'Yes.'  
'Am I good in bed?'  
'Yes, very good.' Oh no, why was he asking her that? Pansy thought. Even Goyle was better in bed than him. Not that she fancied Goyle in any way. They had been very drunk and she had been very horny but Draco had preferred to ponder his recent strangeness again, and since everyone (except Draco, of course) knew that Crabbe was gay, there'd only been Goyle as an option.  
'Why are you asking me that?' she asked as she stroked his hair while trying to keep the unnerved undertone down. 'You know you are fabulous in any way and -'  
'Am I a sucker?'  
'Well, yes. I quite like the way you suck my nipples right now hon, but-'  
'No, I'm not talking about sex. I heard people say that I suck anything, esp. Snape.'  
'Ew, I hope you're not sucking him the way you suck me.'  
'I'm serious!!'  
Silence. Why am I doomed to be the Malfoy girlfriend, she thought. Why was Draco the most popular Slytherin anyway? People had no idea how annoyingly stupid and naïve he could be sometimes. He was a master in showing off, but whenever it got serious he was nothing more than a bloody coward. At least he was good looking. Oh yes, Draco could suck anything but only Pansy had looked through him like he was made of glass. He had ONE problem that she knew would chase him forever. He wanted so desperately to be like HIM, but at the same time he hated him with all his might. Pansy knew Draco was as small and helpless as a child but she also knew she had to play her role. She knew braking up with Draco would be social suicide.  
'You're not a sucker, you are just-', she kissed his breast and worked herself down to his belly 'perfect.'  
  
~*~ 

Hermione Granger wasn't a person who hated much. She loved. She loved the people who were close to her, she had passions and she had obsessions which kept her alive.  
But there was something she despised. She despised people who were causing pain and displeasure just because they couldn't handle their own lives. She loathed people who weren't brave enough to stand by their feelings, their opinions and their way of seeing things. She didn't believe in expressions like good and evil, because she knew people had reasons why they acted. She was simply sick of the way people treated each other just because of stupid clichés.  
She had the strong desire to track down these forced emotions and to make 'certain' people see. Hermione Granger could be cruel sometimes - and she had a plan.  
  
~*~ 

Draco looked into the mirror. 'Yes, it quite suits me' he said quietly. He carefully run the eyeliner over his lid again, he wanted it to be perfect. But he had to watch out that the line didn't become too broad, people shouldn't realise he was actually wearing kohl. He just wanted to give his look a certain touch.  
  
'Bring your sis-'  
Draco dropped the eyeliner abruptly and squeaked. - _No Draco, that wasn't a masculine scream!_ - He screamed again in the lowest voice he could manage. A stranger - with far too much eye makeup - looked back from the mirror! What the hell am I doing?? Panic stricken he started to wash all the makeup off his skin, with the only effect that the kohl was blurred all over his face and he couldn't wipe it off. _Ok, calm down, Malfoy, just conjure it off!_ Suddenly the door closed behind him. _Oh god… oh god!!_  
  
'Draco, Pansy said I should fetch you, she wants to-'  
Thank god, it was only Crabbe! He ignored him and tried to wipe off the kohl from his cheeks again. 'What happened to your face, mate?'  
Oh my god, how dull could someone be? --Why doesn't it go off?  
'Draco, who did that to you?'  
'David Bowie, now piss off, I'm coming in a minute.'  
He heard Crabbe depart. Why the hell was he talking about David Bowie? This couldn't be possible! He had never heard of David Bowie before, but he suddenly knew all his songs and his - story. Eww. He sat down on the bathroom floor. Something was terribly wrong here.  
  
~*~ 

'Draco?'  
'What?!'  
'Draco, if you want to talk about yesterday...'  
'Shut up, Crabbe, I'm trying to sleep!'  
'Ok, sorry.'  
Oh god, Crabbe KNEW. What - what am I doing now? What if Crabbe told everyone? What if Pansy knew? Oh god. This meant social suicide! He knew he had to talk to Crabbe, now or never. He had to make sure his secret was safe! Draco sat up and lit the candle on his bedside table. He carefully turned around to make sure that they were alone. Goyle was still down in the Slytherin common room and all the other beds were deserted as well.  
He sat down at the end of Crabbe's bed, who jumped up surprised.  
'Calm down, this is not a attempt to have a little smoochie or something.'  
'I… I never-'   
'You better don't! I'm NOT gay!!!!'  
'I, er… sorry… I never said you were.'  
'Er - you know, I didn't mean to say gay. I mean, of course you know I'm not gay, because I'm together with Pansy and - HEY! Our sex life is great!' He slapped his hand on his forehead. Crabbe sat and stared at Draco in disbelief.  
'You can shut your mouth now.' He sighed. 'It's just. I. Er. This is strange. Did you notice that I'm not myself anymore. I mean, I know there's something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is. It is as if something was missing, I start to sweat and to shiver because I know I want to have it so much, and when I have it around it's like cocaine, because I feel so high, and everything seems to make sense suddenly, and I can concentrate on what I'm doing suddenly, but at the same time I can't think about anything else. I can't grab the problem, it's just so... hopeless. It's some kind of satisfaction when it is around and at the time my insides are screaming. And then this damn song which haunts me. It - it seems to know everything…I don't feel like myself anymore, I'm doing strange things as you saw yourself yesterday in the bathroom. And now I'm even talking to you openly about my sex life with Pansy and… What the fuck are you doing!?'  
He jumped off the bed. Crabbe had grabbed his hand. 'Are you nuts?'  
All the nervousness suddenly seemed to flow out of Crabbe and he started to stutter. 'Draco, there's… there's one thing you… you have to realise: I'm really, REALLY glad you finally talk to me and don't treat me the way you treat Goyle, as if I were a complete idiot. I am one too, Draco.' He paused. 'I'm your sister, and I want you to know.'  
'How dare you! What do you mean, you're my sister!? I'm not gay, I told you so. I'm not! I'm not! No! No! No!! I hate that Potter guy, I loathe him!!'  
With these words he stamped out of the room.  
  
~*~ 

Next morning, Draco hurried down the corridor, his books clutched tight in his hands. Voices screamed in his head and they were mocking him again. _He's you cocaine, he's got you shaving your legs._ He looked around, everyone seemed to stare at him.  
  
He felt the sweat running down his neck. I have to get to class, as quickly as possible, he thought. 'Don't look around, Draco, just keep walking. Don't raise your head. If HE is around you won't see him. Just keep walking!' Suddenly he bumped into someone and all his books fell to the floor. He didn't dare to look up, but Granger was kneeling beside him and helped him to collect all the things that were lying on the floor.  
  
'Let me help you, Malfoy. You look a bit off colour lately, is something wrong?' He looked at her both in surprise and anger! How dare she! Talking to him like they were old friends. He wanted to yell at her, but he couldn't help it but to look in her eyes. Suddenly everything around him seemed to spin, and he heard her voice in a distance: _You can suck anything but you know you wanna be_…  
  
He shook his head to see clearer. What the hell is going on here?  
'What did you just say, Granger?' His voice was shaking. He jumped to his feet.  
'I just said that you seem to be a bit off colour lately and…'  
'No, you didn't. I just heard you say I… I… can…?'  
'Yes..?' Expectation in her voice. Was there a slight grin?  
'Why don't you just shut your ugly mouth and piss off!' He grabbed the last book and hurried on.  
Just a few steps, he repeated to himself, and you'll be safe in Snape's classroom. Yes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so bright! Just a few steps.  
  
He felt dazed, a warm wave seemed to wash through his body as he finally reached his goal and looked into his bright eyes. Oh yes, this was heaven. He was blinded by the beauty and brightness of the light suddenly surrounding him. He saw his hand move up to the soft chin.   
  
'What the hell are you doing!?' Pansy's voice. Oh no! Suddenly the light was gone. He looked into Potter's blank eyes. Draco started to shiver. The scar on Potter's forehead was clearer than ever, and suddenly the lightning seemed to form letters. _…but you know, you wanna be me so put on your makeup boy, you're your favourite stranger_.  
  
Draco ran like he had never run before in his life. All his belongings fell to the floor, but he hardly noticed. All the students were looking at him, their voices were singing in his head: _And we all like to watch, so shimmy once and do it again._   
  
He wasn't able to separate truth from imagination anymore. This god damn paranoia! There was only one way to escape it:   
  
He sprinted!  
  
_Bring your sister! Bring your sister if you can't handle it_, the voices kept singing.  
  
A hand grabbed his shoulder, but he was so confused that he didn't recognize it's owner anymore. Everything started to spin again. There was nothing to hold on to. He heard a voice in a distance. Was is Pansy's? He couldn't understand what she was saying, he only caught the last sentence: _If you want me to boy I could lie to you…_   
  
Draco suddenly knew that this was his last chance to get out of here without making himself a complete fool. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. He screamed at Pansy to let go off him, but suddenly he fell, and he could do nothing to prevent it. He lay on the floor, motionless. He heard people gathering around him. He could hear their whispers. Suddenly he felt all warm and comfortable. He wanted to lie there forever, and just enjoy this feeling. He could feel a warm mouth at his ear. Was it kissing him? No, it was whispering something. Oh, this sweet voice. Speak again, Angel!   
  
_You don't need one of these to let me inside you  
And is it true that devils end up like you  
Do something save for the picture frame  
And is it true that devils end up like you  
So tied up you don't know how I came_  
  
With these words he passed from consciousness.  
  
~*~ 

The very same evening music and cheers could be heard from the boys dormitory of the 6th year Gryffindors the whole night. Butterbeers were handed around, smiles were on all the faces and everyone was singing. Yes, a certain song.  
  
A girl sat in the corner of the room, watching her friends with a satisfied smile. The world was okay again for tonight. She took a sip from her butterbeer and whispered: 'Long live Confrontation Charms!'  
  
  


* * *

Notes:  
  
I'm not sure whether this story will be continued or not. I'm not a big fan of the Draco/Harry ship, this story just happened! But I enjoyed writing it very much, and I think that Draco deserves a chance to take revenge and maybe express his feelings without interference... *grins in a very evil way*   



End file.
